Rambo: The Video Game

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Rambo: The Video Game | PC | Teyon

Question Time:

As a rule, games based on film franchises are:

A. Well realised adaptations of the intellectual property, expanding on the world of the story using the unparalleled freedom of the video game form to enrich the players’ enjoyment of the franchise they love.

or

B. Cynical cash-ins involving minimal effort on the part of the developer who shovel out crapware to suckers who don’t know any better.

If you answered A or B, then I’m sorry – you have no concept of the unmitigated shit factory of a game that awaits you by purchasing Rambo: The Video Game, probably the worst title I have had the misfortune to review for frugalgaming.co.uk*

*note: I’m not counting Dungeon Keeper for mobiles, since there is nothing there that constitutes a game in the first place.

So friends, let me take you on a journey of misery and false promises as we travel together through the R:TVG experience.

First of all, I’m not really a massive fan of the Rambo movies. I mean, they’re OK, but they never grabbed me in the same way those 80s Schwarzenegger films did. Maybe I’m prejudiced against Stallone’s wonky mouth, I have no idea. So anyway, I’ve only seen the films a couple of times, but even I can recognise that the dialogue from this game has been directly ripped from the movies themselves. A nice idea you might think, adds authenticity you might think. Unfortunately, no one bothered to clean up these sound assets or even go as far as to equalise the volume, so what should sound highly professional ends up sounding like a cheap rip-off. Bizarre, but hardly the worst crime the game commits against you.

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The trailer for the game does a fantastic job of hiding the game’s true nature. From looking at it, one might think you’ll be playing an FPS mixed with some third person elements, allowing you to play key sequences from the films. Bless your heart, I was once naive like you, living in a dream world where developers at least made a token effort to include game play in their titles.

In fact, the game play here is split between two elements that both suck balls and infuriate in equal measure. The first is the shooting. With so many substandard FPS titles out there, you’d think even Teyon – a developer with a history of crappy titles – would be able to crowbar something together. Sadly, this was beyond their wit, and what we’re given is actually an ‘on rails’ shooter. Yup, a flipping light-gun game.

Without the light gun.

A light gun-less game that fails to live up to the standards set by Taito’s Operation Wolf back in the 1980s when the Rambo films still had relevance.

Sure, there are some nods to modern titles in there; you duck behind cover periodically only to pop out again and shoot, shoot and shoot some more. Sometimes there’s no cover for you, so you have to shoot more quickly or go into ‘rage mode’ where you have to kill targets as fast as possible in order to revive health.

Occasionally you toss a grenade.

And that’s about it folks. It’s stupidly easy until you get to the final level, where the difficulty ramps up from ‘meh’ to ‘oh for fuck’s sake’ and will probably take you a few goes to learn the waves and the best time to utilise grenades. Then it’s done.

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The 3rd person sections contrive to actually be even worse than the scrolling and shooting parts. Firstly, they’re all QTE based. If that isn’t enough of itself, you also get to really dwell on the frankly appalling graphics of the character models. They’re all pretty dreadful but special mention needs to go to the Rambo model himself, which is so poorly put together you could end up questioning whether it’s supposed to represent a human being or a bag of sausages glued together with fresh turd. Oh, and then shrink-wrapped to give it an uncanny sheen. Poor Sylvester Stallone, I hope he never sees this travesty of an image of himself – the shock alone might be enough to do him in.

The game tells you it includes stealth sections. It doesn’t. You just need to press Y at the correct time to sneak.

The game tells you it includes fighting sections. It doesn’t. You just need to press X at the correct time to punch (or dodge a punch).

Fortunately, the developers must have recognised what a load of crap these quick time event sections were and so they actually included an unlockable perk that means you can’t fail the QTEs.

Seriously.

So what was the point then guys? If you felt it appropriate to include a perk that helped us skip sections of your dreadful game, why not simply do us all a favour and not make us play any of it in the first place?

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I don’t know where to spray my hate cannon next on this game. How about the fact that it can be beaten in less than 3 hours? Or that this drivel costs £30 on Steam right now? Similar price on consoles. £10 an hour for this. I’m quite certain you could get all the movies for a tenner, and if all you did with them was smack them repeatedly into your face, you would have had a better time than playing this awful game.

I don’t mind giving games a chance, even when people tell me they’re rubbish – if something gets terrible reviews but I have even the slightest interest I’ll wait for a sale and pick it up. Hell, I managed to squeeze £3.49 worth out of Aliens: Colonial Marines because I went in with limited expectations. But there is really nothing here to justify you spending any money. There is no price level at which I would agree you should even try this game. If your time is worth so little to you, go and volunteer somewhere and make the world a better place to live in. But send a message to Teyon and Reef Entertainment:

We deserve better than this.

[wp-review]

Karlos Morale

Rambo: The Video Game is available now for PC, Xbox 360 and PS3

http://www.rambothevideogame.com/